It has now been a couple of months since we had our accident. It feels like ages ago. It kind of feels like it never happened in a way.
I am getting used to the pain, although it is getting better and better. I am off the medication now and I am able to drive again.
I some times get flashbacks, but Its not really to the accident scene. I get flashbacks to the episodes I have made on YouTube. It is almost like a TV show and my memories of the event blends in with the memories from the footage. And the most painful part of it now is seeing Pia in my memories and remembering how close to her I felt at the time and then realising that is no longer here and may never even have been real. I am torn between feeling thankful to her for saving my life and feeling upset that she did. Was it worth surviving just to have to go through all this misery? I don't know.
I some times forget that I can’t do certain things and only remember when it hurts. I guess this is a good thing. And I don’t think I got any lasting psychological effects of the whole thing, but time will tell.
What I do think about a lot though are all the people around me. I think the reason that I don’t feel so bad about what happened is because during the whole thing I didn’t really care if I lived or died. In fact for a long time I wished I never had woken up. And those feelings are still very much there.
As the helicopter took off when we were rescued and I started to doze off I remember thinking that if I don’t wake up that is ok. Everyone dies and this would be a good way to go. Doing something I like.
But for some strange reason there are people around me who wants me to be here. And I think this whole thing has been worse for them than it was for me. Of course I was in pain and had hallucinations and all of that, but that was more just annoying and embarrassing. I didn’t look at the situation as very serious. That was why right after I woke up from the coma I was sure I would be back on the bike in a few days, maybe a few weeks. I was so doped up at the time that I did understand how serious it was.
It was not until about a week after I had come back to Trondheim when one of the doctors took the time to explain in detail what had happened to me that I understood how serious the whole thing had been.
At that time I had healed quite a bit so I was able to reflect more on the whole thing.
I am trying to look at it from the perspective of the people around me. And I understand how it can be scary for them. I would also be very scared if it had been Pia who ended up in my situation. But still I don’t really feel much about the whole thing now, other than it is super annoying that we had to postpone the trip. I had been looking forward to skipping winter in Norway this year and now I have to spend another winter here instead of exploring southern Europe.
But I guess I just have to be patient and use the winter months to get in better shape so those who worry about me will worry less.
And now all the boarders across Europe are closed anyway.
For the past few weeks I have been going to the physio and done some exercises to strengthen my core muscles and rebuild what I have lost.
I have gotten a lot stronger and I am now able to do easy activities again like skiing or light jogging.
I feel ready to start putting this chapter behind me and start moving forward again. Whatever happens happens. Now I just have to figure out how to best prepare myself for the future.